Grief

"Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss." - Wikipedia

I feel like I have been exposed to number of grieving people lately and it has been really interesting to see how different people cope and react to the loss of someone close to them.  I have never suffered the loss of someone I am really close to.  Yes, I lost my grandparents and other relatives, but no one close enough to me that I noticed the loss on a daily basis.  I know the loss of such people (ie parents, aunts and uncles, siblings, friends etc) is inevitable, because we all will eventually die.  I am not sure if a lot of people who are grieving the loss of a spouse/child/friend stop to think about the actual process of grief, but I have had it on my mind a lot lately.

I think this started with a blog.  I follow a blog called Blog by a Herzog fairly regularly, and a couple of months ago she wrote a short post about a friend of hers who had lost her baby shortly after he was born.  I followed the link and read back a few posts about how this little baby had come into the world by way of emergency c-section because there was not enough amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, and he lived for a few short days before his body succumbed to death.  His mom, Jordan, has written very candidly in the last couple of months about what it has been like to lose a child.  Not just the overwhelming sadness, but about the social awkwardness of talking about losing a child.  People obviously knew that she was pregnant, and she is visibly not pregnant anymore, and people ask questions.  She has talked about how you answer those questions without making the other person feel awkward for asking, but at the same time, not violate the memory of her baby by not talking about him.  It has been a real eye opener.

I know every person grieves differently, but I was interested when Jordan wrote about how she loves to be hugged and appreciates all the notes of sympathy and caring that she has received, even from people who don't know her very well.  I think if I knew her, I would feel awkward and likely avoid her (not so much if she was a good friend, but just more of an acquaintance).  And she has admitted that she understands that people might react that way, and that she understands why.  I am not sure how I would want to be treated after such a heart wrenching blow.  Not that I would want to be avoided, but I have a feeling I might like to be left alone for a while, wallow in self pity for a time, but I suppose you couldn't say until you are in that situation.

The next place that got me thinking about grief was a client I had at work this week.  She lost her husband to cancer a couple of years ago.  She told me that the worst part of losing your spouse of 35 years is the loneliness.  Not having that person to go home and talk to every day.  She was 56 when her husband passed away.  She said she was told that it gets easier in time, and she said that she maybe doesn't feel the crushing sadness every day anymore, but said the loneliness is overwhelming at times.  What I found interesting was how other people expected that after a year, she should be getting back to normal.  Friends suggested that she go back to work or get back to her old hobbies.  She said she didn't need to financially, most of her friends were retired, and didn't have the desire to have to work because she did still have 'bad days' where she didn't want to be at work.

It does seem like sometimes society doesn't appreciate/accept/respect the grieving process.  After 35 years of marriage why in the world would someone expect you to be ready to move on within a year.  I don't know if it is good to allow someone to wallow in depression for years, but this lady seemed to have a grasp on her feelings.  She had attended a support group for those who had lost a spouse for about a year and had learned a lot from the other people.  She said more than anything, she was able to learn that she was not alone in the way she was feeling.

The final bit of grief I heard about this week was an old friend who was expecting a baby and had a miscarriage.  I have never been in that situation, but I can only begin to imagine how tough that would be.  I would think it would be especially tough with a first pregnancy.  There is so much excitement, anticipation, hopes, dreams and plans that you have as soon as you find out you are expecting.  I can only imagine that you are consumed with thoughts of everything baby.  And to suddenly lose that has to be so sad.  I think that people tend to be a little less sensitive to the loss of parents in this situation.  Maybe they were only a few weeks pregnant, but it is still a significant loss.  It still hurts, and there is still a grieving process.  

I know that grief is experienced and treated differently by different people.  After learning about these different circumstances, I hope to understand grief in general a little better.  I will do my best to offer support to people who are grieving without saying something that is insensitive.  I know most people mean well, when they say things like: you should get on with life, you're young you can have another baby, at least they have gone to a better place, etc. but I think I will take the position that more often it is better to support people in ways other than words.

When the Rain Comes

Sometimes life can feel overwhelming. It's not even my life. It is all the pain in the world. The fact that we live in a fallen world, full of sin and pain and hurt, really sucks sometimes. And every now and then it just hits me like a ton of bricks. When I hear of someone who is going through a tough time, I often find myself thinking of what it would be like to be in their situation....

This week I found out about a young woman from Saskatoon, whose blog I used to read (she hadn't updated her blog since March of this year). Then the other day I found out that shortly after her last blog post she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). This is someone who is close to the same age as me, who is married, who works, and has hopes and dreams for the future. Not that she doesn't anymore, but I can only begin to imagine how a diagnosis like that would shake your life. She is doing really well still, but she has some symptoms that have slowed her down a little bit already.

This morning when I was listening to the radio they were talking about the C95 radio marathon for breast cancer research. It was started 11 years ago because of Lisa Rendall, the former C95 morning show personality, was diagnosed with incurable breast cancer. She has done really well, and has become a huge advocate for breast cancer research and awareness. On the radio this morning they said that she is really sick, and that for the first time she wouldn't be able to take part in the radio marathon. I don't know why, but this made me really sad. Cancer is such a horrible disease. It makes me feel really sad to hear about people being diagnosed with cancer :(

Then tonight my mom called to tell me that my uncle Frank had had a heart attack earlier this week. He is doing well, and should be out of the hospital by early next week (barring any unforeseen complications). My Uncle Frank and Aunt Betty have been like an extra set of grandparents to me over the years. They don't have children of their own, but they have really been involved in the lives of their nieces and nephews and I have a lot of really fond memories of sleepovers and trips to the mall and cooking with them. Sometimes it hits me that as I get older everyone around me is also getting older and that my aunts and uncles and parents aren't going to live forever.

When mom called to tell me this news I was just starting to do some housework. Usually when I do housework I like to listen to my MP3 player. When I finished talking to mom I put the music back on and the song When the Rain Comes by Third Day came on. It brought a few tears to my eyes but it was really what I needed to hear at that moment. The chorus goes like this "I can't stop the rain, from falling down on you again. I can't stop the rain, but I will hold you until it goes away."

And now, deep thoughts....

When I started the Couch to 5K running program in May I joined the C25K page on Facebook. There are over 100,000 people in that group and it is a great source of motivation, or a place to ask questions and find answers from people who are in the same place as you. Tonight they posted a link to a running forum thread where a woman had written a few of her thoughts on what she ponders during her 20 mile long runs (I assume she is training for a marathon).

One that really stuck out to me was:
I will never look at someone running slow again and think, ‘man he’s slow’ because I really don’t know how many miles he has behind him.

I found that to be really profound. Whether you consider it to do with running or just life in general. It is never a good idea to judge someone based on an outward appearance. You don't know where they have been and how far they have come.

Matthew 7:9-11 says "You parents--if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

I opened my Bible this evening for the first time in months. I have just not felt drawn to read. I should read, I really should. I know that the more you read and pray the easier it is, and the more God is able to impact your life and draw you nearer to where He wants you to be. When I opened my Bible this evening I didn't know where to turn. I felt like reading about Jesus after the sermon at church yesterday. I started in John and read about Jesus turning water into wine. Then I thought I would like to read the sermon on the mount, or at least part of it. When I got to Matthew 7 this passage really leaped out at me. In the last months I have had a few things in my life that have frustrated me. I have tried to deal with them on my own and have mostly been disappointed. I haven't seriously taken any of it to God to find some guidance. I think somewhere along the way I thought I could figure it out on my own. I didn't think God needed to be bothered with the small details (or sometimes not so small details) of my day to day life. But obviously, according to this passage, God wants to give me good gifts. He wants what is best for me. I know that does not mean he will always give me what I want, but he will begin to change my heart towards what His will is for my life.