Thursday, October 08, 2015

Still Processing

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that our family is complete. After almost 5 years of waiting for treatments, and going through treatments, and waiting to see if I would get pregnant from said treatments, we are done. There is definitely a sense of relief coming through. I still feel sadness about the what ifs, and wondering what our other child might have looked like/acted like/etc. I do realize, that most miscarriages that happen early on, often happen because of chromasomal issues, so, it is all kind of a moot point.

The first cycle of IVF we did, I was so excited. Everything, seemingly went well. I was so sure during the two week wait that I was pregnant. Then I was blindsided and devistated to find out I was not. After that cycle, I went into all the other ones with a good amount of caution, and even some pessimism. 

Before we did the embryo transfer in September I had mentally prepared myself more for a negative outcome, than a positive one. I did not think that I would possibly get pregnant and miscarry, I just did not expect to get pregnant at all. In my mind I made a list of the positive sides of only having one child. I knew the postivies of having another baby....but I wanted to prepare myself for the possibility that Fiona would be our only child.  I am starting to look ahead and trying to appreciate the list of positives I made.

After I miscarried I had all these thoughts about things I wanted to do.  Things that I felt like I had been putting on hold because I might get pregnant.  Get back into an exercise routine, cut my hair, buy some clothes (maybe once I lose some weight...), sell Fiona's baby stuff that she has outgrown....and I think I will pursue some of these things, but last week it felt like I needed to do all of it RIGHT NOW.  I think it was maybe just a way to distract from my sad feelings.  I think I will do all of those things....but I know there is no rush.  

 I have been savoring my time with Fiona. She is at a really fun age. She started walking a week or so ago! It is amazing how quickly she picked it up once she started. She is still pretty wobbly and falls down a lot, but I would say she walks the majority of the time now. She is becoming more expressive and loves to giggle. The other morning when I was getting her dressed in the morning, I had her laid across my lap.  She reached up and touched my armpit and said 'tookatooka' which is her way of saying 'tickle tickle' and giggled.  It was so sweet!

What a difference a year makes!  Top photo is her at 1 month, bottom is her at 13 months!

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