Monday, September 28, 2015

Goodbye little one

When I got pregnant with Fiona, it was such an amazing surprise.  After going through extensive fertility treatments, I felt so thankful to have gotten pregnant, and stayed pregnant, and have a healthy little girl.  I am still so thankful for her!

We knew after we had her, that we would not be going through any more cycles of IVF.  We were spent, both physically and emotionally from the ups and downs of what it entails.  We did however, have one little frozen embryo left.  We knew that we wouldn't wait too long to transfer it, as we were longing to either have another baby fairly close in age with Fiona, or just move on from this chapter of our lives.

Earlier this month we transferred our beautiful little embryo.  I was a lot more calm this time around after having Fiona.  I knew not to read too much into the 'symptoms' I was feeling because most of them could be explained away by the progesterone supplementation the doctor uses for these types of procedures.  However, about 2 days before my blood test, I was hit with the same crazy fatigue that I was hit with when I got pregnant with Fiona.  I was pretty sure our little embryo had stuck!  Sure enough, two days later my blood test came back positive, and 3 days after that the 2nd blood test indicated that the hormone levels were rising appropriately.

Since then I have felt pretty good.  I have been really tired and occasionally nauseous, but that was pretty average for being 5 or 6 weeks pregnant.  Yesterday I had a bit of spotting.  I was not too concerned, as it was pretty light, and I had had a couple of bouts of spotting when I was pregnant with Fiona.  Then this morning when we were out grocery shopping, I started to feel crampy.  When we got home I found that I was bleeding, but nothing too heavy.  I decided to phone the doctor on call for our fertility clinic.  She said unless it gets really heavy, sit tight until tomorrow and call the clinic in the morning and they will get me in for an ultrasound.

Since then the bleeding has gotten a lot heavier and the cramps have gotten quite a bit worse.  It still isn't much worse than a bad period.....but I would be really surprised if that little one is still in there.  Sigh.  After all this....all the thoughts that you have when you find out you are pregnant (what we will name him/her, is it a boy or a girl, I will have to give up my massage practice because my office is the only spare room we have left, I will need to get a double stroller, how will I manage to sleep with a toddler and a newborn, how will I look after Fiona and a newborn while recovering from a csection, how will Fiona interact with a baby, etc etc etc), I am pretty sure that Fiona will be our only child.

I feel sad for her that she won't have siblings....and her cousins are 8 and 10 years older than her....but I hope that she will have good friends who will be like sisters/brothers to her, and maybe she will marry into a family with siblings.  I know there are no guarantees about siblings being close.....but I am sure parents hope that they will be.  I know being an only child has its advantages (as Jason can attest to), but I think there are disadvantages too.

Update: This morning I went to the clinic for an ultrasound and our baby is gone.  I know we will be okay, but it will definitely take some time.  You really do get attatched to these little ones, or the idea of them.....and then they are gone.  I am SO SO SO thankful we have Fiona, and will be giving her extra hugs and kisses in the next while because I can't imagine how much harder this would be if we didn't have her.

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