Still Processing

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that our family is complete. After almost 5 years of waiting for treatments, and going through treatments, and waiting to see if I would get pregnant from said treatments, we are done. There is definitely a sense of relief coming through. I still feel sadness about the what ifs, and wondering what our other child might have looked like/acted like/etc. I do realize, that most miscarriages that happen early on, often happen because of chromasomal issues, so, it is all kind of a moot point.

The first cycle of IVF we did, I was so excited. Everything, seemingly went well. I was so sure during the two week wait that I was pregnant. Then I was blindsided and devistated to find out I was not. After that cycle, I went into all the other ones with a good amount of caution, and even some pessimism. 

Before we did the embryo transfer in September I had mentally prepared myself more for a negative outcome, than a positive one. I did not think that I would possibly get pregnant and miscarry, I just did not expect to get pregnant at all. In my mind I made a list of the positive sides of only having one child. I knew the postivies of having another baby....but I wanted to prepare myself for the possibility that Fiona would be our only child.  I am starting to look ahead and trying to appreciate the list of positives I made.

After I miscarried I had all these thoughts about things I wanted to do.  Things that I felt like I had been putting on hold because I might get pregnant.  Get back into an exercise routine, cut my hair, buy some clothes (maybe once I lose some weight...), sell Fiona's baby stuff that she has outgrown....and I think I will pursue some of these things, but last week it felt like I needed to do all of it RIGHT NOW.  I think it was maybe just a way to distract from my sad feelings.  I think I will do all of those things....but I know there is no rush.  

 I have been savoring my time with Fiona. She is at a really fun age. She started walking a week or so ago! It is amazing how quickly she picked it up once she started. She is still pretty wobbly and falls down a lot, but I would say she walks the majority of the time now. She is becoming more expressive and loves to giggle. The other morning when I was getting her dressed in the morning, I had her laid across my lap.  She reached up and touched my armpit and said 'tookatooka' which is her way of saying 'tickle tickle' and giggled.  It was so sweet!

What a difference a year makes!  Top photo is her at 1 month, bottom is her at 13 months!

Goodbye little one

When I got pregnant with Fiona, it was such an amazing surprise.  After going through extensive fertility treatments, I felt so thankful to have gotten pregnant, and stayed pregnant, and have a healthy little girl.  I am still so thankful for her!

We knew after we had her, that we would not be going through any more cycles of IVF.  We were spent, both physically and emotionally from the ups and downs of what it entails.  We did however, have one little frozen embryo left.  We knew that we wouldn't wait too long to transfer it, as we were longing to either have another baby fairly close in age with Fiona, or just move on from this chapter of our lives.

Earlier this month we transferred our beautiful little embryo.  I was a lot more calm this time around after having Fiona.  I knew not to read too much into the 'symptoms' I was feeling because most of them could be explained away by the progesterone supplementation the doctor uses for these types of procedures.  However, about 2 days before my blood test, I was hit with the same crazy fatigue that I was hit with when I got pregnant with Fiona.  I was pretty sure our little embryo had stuck!  Sure enough, two days later my blood test came back positive, and 3 days after that the 2nd blood test indicated that the hormone levels were rising appropriately.

Since then I have felt pretty good.  I have been really tired and occasionally nauseous, but that was pretty average for being 5 or 6 weeks pregnant.  Yesterday I had a bit of spotting.  I was not too concerned, as it was pretty light, and I had had a couple of bouts of spotting when I was pregnant with Fiona.  Then this morning when we were out grocery shopping, I started to feel crampy.  When we got home I found that I was bleeding, but nothing too heavy.  I decided to phone the doctor on call for our fertility clinic.  She said unless it gets really heavy, sit tight until tomorrow and call the clinic in the morning and they will get me in for an ultrasound.

Since then the bleeding has gotten a lot heavier and the cramps have gotten quite a bit worse.  It still isn't much worse than a bad period.....but I would be really surprised if that little one is still in there.  Sigh.  After all this....all the thoughts that you have when you find out you are pregnant (what we will name him/her, is it a boy or a girl, I will have to give up my massage practice because my office is the only spare room we have left, I will need to get a double stroller, how will I manage to sleep with a toddler and a newborn, how will I look after Fiona and a newborn while recovering from a csection, how will Fiona interact with a baby, etc etc etc), I am pretty sure that Fiona will be our only child.

I feel sad for her that she won't have siblings....and her cousins are 8 and 10 years older than her....but I hope that she will have good friends who will be like sisters/brothers to her, and maybe she will marry into a family with siblings.  I know there are no guarantees about siblings being close.....but I am sure parents hope that they will be.  I know being an only child has its advantages (as Jason can attest to), but I think there are disadvantages too.

Update: This morning I went to the clinic for an ultrasound and our baby is gone.  I know we will be okay, but it will definitely take some time.  You really do get attatched to these little ones, or the idea of them.....and then they are gone.  I am SO SO SO thankful we have Fiona, and will be giving her extra hugs and kisses in the next while because I can't imagine how much harder this would be if we didn't have her.

41 weeks and 2 days - We have some news, but still no baby

I got a call yesterday afternoon that I could go to the hospital to be induced in the afternoon.  The call came later in the day than I was expecting.  I thought they would call in the morning, and by the time the afternoon rolled around I assumed I would be called today instead.  I decided that because I was ONLY 8 days overdue yesterday that I would tell them no, and give my body another day to try to go into labour. 

I got a call this morning and was told that they had 10 inductions scheduled and wouldn't be able to get me today.  However, my OB wanted me to come in for an ultrasound to check on the baby's wellbeing to make sure it was okay to put induction off for another day.  We went to the hospital for 10am and didn't have to wait too long to be called in.  I think it was the same ultrasound tech who did my anatomy scan back in March.  All business.  My doctor came in part way through the ultrasound and told us that our baby is frank breech, which means the baby's bum is down instead of the head.  She also told us that our baby is big....she said she would estimate at least 9.5lbs!  She said because of the size of the baby, it would be difficult to try and turn the baby manually, and that it would be too risky to attempt a vaginal delivery (I didn't even think that was an option anymore?!).

So, I guess a c-section it is.  It is disappointing.  Knowing that this may be our only pregnancy, and that I may  never get to experience labour and vaginal birth.  But, I am just glad to know that the baby is big and healthy, and we will get through this.  We have lots of support from friends and family and this baby and her mama will be well looked after.

40w5d - Impatiently waiting

We are still here, baby is staying put for now.  I know it is not uncommon for babies, especially first time babies to go overdue, but we are ready and tired of waiting. 

I was at the doctor on Monday.  She checked me and I had not progressed at all from the previous week.  I am still not really having contractions.  The occasional braxton hick contraction and a bit of light cramping.  That is it. 

The doctor talked to me about induction.  They like to start the process about 9 days past the due date because it can take a day or two to get labour started (and they don't like moms to go past 42 weeks).  So she sent a letter to the hospital for Sunday or Monday of next week.  She said that occasionally if they aren't too busy they will do inductions over the weekend, but that I would most likely expect to get called in on Monday or Tuesday.  They can only take a certain number of inductions each day, and if other people have higher priority (ie pregnant ladies with complications) they will push you back a day or two if you and baby are still doing well.  So, if I am still pregnant come Sunday/Monday I am sure we will be on pins and needles waiting to find out when I will go in. 

I was not keen on the idea of induction a few weeks ago, but now that we have gotten this far, I am ready.  I am aware that each day that passes this baby continues to grow, and still has to come out somehow.  I think the only upside to not going into labour, and needing to be induced is that my doctor should be back from her week off and should be the one calling the shots, even if I don't see her until the moment the baby arrives (if the baby is born during the day, ha). 

40 weeks!

Today is my due date.  I would say that so far there are not any signs that this baby will be on time. 

At my appointment on Tuesday the doctor checked me and found that I was 1cm dilated and so offered to strip my membranes.  I figured why not, so I let her.  It was not pleasant, and I may have screamed a little.  It does not seem to have done anything.  Other than a bit of cramping, it was a wasted effort.  I found out at my appointment that my doctor will be away this coming week, so I have an appointment with one of her partners on Monday (if the baby doesn't come by then....) and I imagine I will let her strip my membranes again.  I really would prefer to not have to be induced....but I don't think that would come up until at least the following week (maybe around the 19th or 20th).

It is a strange place to be....knowing that this baby could arrive today, or possibly not for a week or so yet.  We are really trying to just keep living life (though I do spend a lot of time with my feet up, or napping these days) instead of waiting around twidding our thumbs.

My biggest complaints these days would be deteriorating sleep quality (get used to it, right?!), fatigue, sore/stiff hands, some swelling in my feet and hands, growing belly (I can tell this baby is growing and getting stronger), frequent and urgent needs to pee (I am usually up 3-5 times each night).

I really do hope that I have this baby within the next week....but I know that she knows when the right time is.  So I will try to be patient :)

38.5 weeks

I am just a little more than 1.5 weeks away from my due date.  I still think I will end up going over due.  I don't really feel like my body is making leaps and bounds toward labour.  I feel like I have had more contractions, but nothing painful.  And I do feel like the baby has dropped down and I am making more frequent trips to the bathroom.

I was at the doctor this morning and she offered to strip my membranes, which sometimes helps labour start for some women.  I told her that I would rather wait another week and see what happens, but gave her permission to do an internal exam and see if I had progressed at all.  Apparently I have not.  And it was not a very pleasant exam.  I don't think those exams are ever pleasant, but this one seemed extra uncomfortable.  I guess everything is just extra sensitive down there.  So, since everything is still closed up tight, she couldn't have stripped my membranes anyway.

I have been making an effort to spend time with Jason and with other friends and get out and enjoy life these days.  It has been nice to spend some time with friends that I haven't seen in a while.  I have been seriously slacking on the housework, but it is getting more difficult, especially to do the things I would like to....like wash the floor.  Maybe crawling around the floor for an hour would get this labour going, ha!     

36.5 weeks!

It is already the middle of July.....that means, at the ABSOLUTE most, this baby will be here in 5 weeks!  Hopefully, a bit sooner though.

I do really feel like my body has tolerated being pregnant well.  I keep expecting things to take a really bad turn for the worse, pain wise, or fatigue wise, etc.  I am definitely feeling more pregnant, and uncomfortable, but I am not ready to say 'get this baby out of here!' just yet. 

As of this coming Saturday, I will be 37 weeks, which is considered full term.  If the baby comes any time after that, the likelihood that she would would have to spend time in the NICU is very slim.  That is encouraging.

I feel like I have what I will need to look after the baby for the first while at home.  I picked up a few things today to round out the packing of my hospital bag.  I will still have a few things to put in there at the last minute, but I have most everything I will need ready to go.

At 36 weeks, my biggest complaints are still sore feet, poor sleep, numerous urgent trips to the bathroom, hemorrhoids (ugh), and feet in my ribs.  It is fun to feel the baby roll and move in my belly.  I am glad that Jay has gotten to feel it, and see my belly roll now that the baby is bigger.  But for the most part her feet are consistently parked somewhere near my ribs on my right side.  It isn't usually painful, but just uncomfortable.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning.  The baby is still doing well.  Heartbeat was 165, my blood pressure was 124/64, my weight was...uh, well maybe I will keep that to myself, ha, but I feel like my weight gain has slowed down (thank goodness) and I seem to be in the 0.5-1lb gain/week now.  If I keep up this pace, I imagine by the time the baby comes I will have gained pretty close to 35lbs, which is the high end of normal for my starting weight.  The doctor did an internal exam and found that my cervix has thinned out but is still closed and that the baby's head is down and low in my pelvis.  That doesn't really surprise me, as I don't really feel like my body is close to going into labour.  However, it is definitely progressing in that direction and now I will see my doctor every week until this baby decides to show up.

30 Weeks!

I can't believe there are only 10 weeks left until my due date!  I don't feel terribly overwhelmed with things to do....as there is still lots of time, and I don't feel that we have a ton of stuff left to prepare.  Once I am done work, and have a better grasp on what we need to get, I will do some shopping, wash some clothes, make some meals to freeze and take lots of nice naps. 

If our baby was to be born now, there is a very high likelihood that she would survive, and probably not have long term health issues, so 30 weeks feels like a pretty exciting milestone!  I have been feeling lots of kicks and rolls and flops (sometimes I wish I could see inside there and know what baby is up to!).  In the last week I started to feel hiccups.  I wasn't sure when a person might start feeling them, and wondered maybe if I just didn't have a hiccuppy baby.  I was wrong!  Today I have felt hiccups three times, haha. 

Jason and I are about 99% settled on a girl's name and middle name, as well as a boy's name (just in case!).  We really didn't have a tough time finding a name we liked.  But, there is part of me that wonders if I stopped looking prematurely.  However, I did read at least two baby name books from cover to cover and read through a lot of name lists online.  I seemed to keep coming back to the same names, so I feel pretty comfortable with our choices.  They are names that suit a child and will grow up well to be good adult names as well.

Jay has been keeping up on my biweekly belly photos and put together another composite to compare the progress.  It is definitely eye opening when you see yourself every day, and people keep telling me how small my belly is....to see a photo like this.  Baby is definitely growing! :)

 

29 weeks!

I can't believe I am 29 weeks.  I have a feeling the next couple of months are going to fly by.  Summer in Saskatchewan usually goes by quickly, and I doubt this year will be any exception.  We have been enjoying the warmer weather this week, but I am looking forward to the more seasonal forecast for the coming week.  I think I enjoy temperatures between about 18-25C the best.

I think I have reached the point in my pregnancy where I am starting to get uncomfortable.  I am finding that I am not sleeping as well at night.  I was quite comfortable until very recently sleeping on my back, but now when I sleep on my back, my back and my stomach hurt.  If I sleep on my side my shoulder hurts, and my back hurts, but not as bad as if I sleep on my back.  So far, the back pain doesn't seem to bother me too much during the day, unless I am on my feet a lot.  I have noticed recently that my feet ache a lot.  I haven't had much swelling yet but I find, especially when I am barefoot in the house even for a fairly short period of time, my feet ache like I have been standing on them for hours.  I think it is a combination of the looseness in my ligaments caused by the hormones, and carrying around extra weight, and a different center of gravity/balance probably contributes as well.  I am definitely starting to feel more tired.  I seem to tire out more quickly, but I am also noticing that sometimes my belly feels heavy to carry around.  And it's not even THAT big yet.   

This past week I am pretty sure I felt that the baby had hiccups a couple of times!  At first I just thought I was being kicked again and again and again, very gently.  But then I realized that it was way too rhythmic to be kicks/movements.  It almost felt like a little heartbeat, but too slow for me or the baby.  The other morning, Jay even got to feel it a little bit.  So fun :)

I am not complaining, I am still kind of in awe of what is going on my body right now.  Amazed to be growing a little person who is half Angie and half Jason.  So curious about what she will look like, and what her personality will be like.  Eleven more weeks to go!

22 weeks!

I had an appointment with  my thyroid specialist this week, and after my most recent bloodwork results, she has told me I can discontinue my thyroid medication for now!!  This was the hope/plan all along.  With Graves disease, in pregnancy, usually by the second trimester, the body's need for thyroid hormone increases, so I don't need to be on medication.  She said that about 4-6 weeks after the baby is born that my thyroid could flare up, and I will probably need to back on medication then.  I am happy to have one less thing to worry about.  I will still go for monthly bloodwork, and my doctor will call/text me with results, but things have seemed pretty 'textbook' so far, and I don't see any reason to believe they won't continue to be.

After spending a week or so looking at paint swatches, I decided on a paint colour and decided to paint last weekend.  It wasn't too bad, but I was really tired after spending a few hours painting.  I did the second coat on Monday, and I have to say I like the colour.  I think it will look nice with the white crib and dresser that I ordered from Ikea the other day.  They should get here before Easter, and I am looking forward to assembling them and starting to get the baby's room put together.

Jason and I are planning a little road trip to Calgary for the weekend after Easter.  We decided it should be a good time to get away, before I am feeling too tired/etc and we hope to do some shopping and enjoy some good food and maybe check out some good coffee shops.  We had always shied away from downtown Calgary, but after tackling Vancouver and Seattle last summer, we are feeling pretty confident in our navigation skills and will venture down to see what we have been missing :)

The weekend after our trip to Calgary I am taking a continuing education course.  I need to get a certain number of credits every three years to maintain my membership in the massage therapist association, so I figured I had better take something this year, as I didn't do anything other than first aid last year, and once the baby comes I will probably not be wanting to take any courses for at least the rest of this year.  The course I am taking is a three day course and will get me about half of my required credits.  I hope that my energy reserves are still okay by that point.  I will be 26 weeks pregnant....hopefully I will make it through three days of course.

I am sure after three very busy weekends in a row, I will be really happy to do absolutely nothing the weekend after!  Then the weekend after that is May long weekend already!  Man, time is just flying by :)

Half way there!

This baby is half way done!  I can't believe we are at 20 weeks already.  I realize that the first 20 weeks are 'shorter' than the second 20 weeks because you don't even know you are pregnant until you are 4-5 weeks along....but still.

I would say overall I am feeling pretty good.  I definitely am still more tired than usual, but not like I was in the first trimester.  I have noticed that my gums are quite swollen and bleed easily when I brush/floss them.  I am going to the dentist for a cleaning near the end of May, I can only imagine how bloody that experience will be.  Ugh!  Seems like one of those things that no one ever told me about pregnancy.  Not that it's a huge deal, it's just unpleasant when I am in the middle of doing something and can suddenly taste blood.  Blech!

My belly is continuing to grow some.  I have to say that I expected my belly would be a bit bigger by 20 weeks.  I am not concerned that it's too small, because every woman is different, but I just would have expected it to be a bit bigger by this point.

This baby has been a lot more noticeably active in the last week.  Most often in the evenings, if I am sitting our lounging on the couch I can feel a lot of little jabs in there.  In fact the other evening they felt stronger than they had to this point, and I put my hand on my tummy and I could feel it from the outside.  Pretty neat :)

Someone was asking me the other day if I had any major cravings or food aversions.  I haven't really had either.  In the first trimester, the whole thought of food in general was a turn off.  I could eat pretty much anything, and it tasted fine, but just don't ask me to think about what I want to eat for the next meal, because the thought of food made me queasy.  Since then, I haven't really had an unusual aversions.  As for cravings, I would say in general I have craved salty things more than sweet.  I did have some cravings for dill pickles, and have eaten a couple of jars.  I feel like I have eaten a lot of cheese.  I feel like I get excited for certain types of food, and enjoy them when we have them, but there hasn't been any cravings that had to be satisfied immediately.  There was a day when I wanted a cinnamon bun, so a few days later, when I went out, I went and had a cinnamon bun.  I have craved fruit a lot.  Unfortunately, being the time of year it is, our choices are a bit limited.  However, I did enjoy some awesome oranges, apples, bananas, grapes and last week we had a really tasty mini watermelon.  I can't wait until we can get more delicious watermelon! 

I have been noticing a bit more achiness in my back.  I don't know what it is, but since I have been pregnant, I only seem to want to sleep on my back.  So far, it feels okay, I haven't had any numbness or shortness of breath, but I expect as my belly grows it will get less comfortable.  I have noticed in the last few days that if I do sleep on my back all night that I wake up with a really achy lower back.  I do try to sleep on my side, and put a pillow between my knees, but 9 times out of 10 I wake up in the night, or in the morning on my back and the pillow is on the floor.  I have also had a bit of SI joint pain, and I expect at some point I might have some chiropractic treatment for that to hopefully keep it from getting too painful.  I do also feel my lower back a bit more when I am working.  I am curious how long I will be able to work. I am hoping to work until mid-July, but we will play it by ear.  If everything goes according to plan, I have been telling my clients that I should be able to work until the end of June for sure, and hopefully into July as well. 

16 Weeks Pregnant!

Not so long ago, I used to think of pregnancy in months instead of weeks.  But since I have had a number of close friends/clients/etc who are pregnant, I have a slightly better grasp on the weeks of pregnancy.  I am just over 16 weeks.  For those that like to think in months, that would be between 3.5 and 4 months.  I can't believe that I am this far already.  I still have a long ways to go, and for most people who look at me, they wouldn't know anything is different.  My tummy has grown a bit, but it is still pretty small.  I took this photo about a week ago. 

The nausea and fatigue of the first trimester have eased off.  These days I mostly feel hungry, a lot.  I try to make good choices, but my weight gain so far is around 2-3lbs, so not bad.  I really don't want to gain more than I should, because then it will just be extra weight to lose once the baby is here.

I have my anatomy scan scheduled for the 10th of March.  That is the ultrasound where they check to make sure all of the baby's organs are present and functioning as they should.  Because I have hyperthyroidism, they also plan to take a look on the ultrasound at baby's thryoid (amazing that they can see that as the baby is still pretty tiny at this point!).  We are also hoping to find out the sex of our baby.  I feel pretty strongly that it is a boy, and Jay has mentioned that he is thinking it is a girl.

I don't know if it's normal for most newly pregnant women, or maybe stronger for those who have struggled to get, or stay pregnant.  I feel like I am starting to feel anxious.  It has been almost two months since our last ultrasound, and almost a month since I heard the baby's heartbeat at my doctor's appointment, and I sometimes worry that something is wrong.  I still have pregnancy symptoms, and I am not bleeding, but when you are not growing noticeably on a daily basis an you can't feel regular movements inside, it can be hard to trust that things are going okay in there.  I think I might be starting to feel some light flutters in there, but I am never quite sure if it is the baby, or my imagination.  Hopefully soon I will start to feel some more noticeable movements and that will give me some reassurance until our ultrasound in a couple of weeks.