Christmas and a general update

It has been a few years since I actually felt excited about Christmas.  Last year was fun, but Fiona was too young to do anything other than lay there and be adorable. This year she still didn't GET it....but she enjoyed ripping paper and playing with some new toys.  It made Christmas a bit more fun for me, and I look forward to the years to come with her.

It was our turn to head to Swift Current for Christmas this year.  We were excited to get away and spend time with Jay's family.  We hadn't been to Swift Current as a family since Fiona was 7 weeks old at Thanksgiving of 2014!  Fiona traveled well both ways and slept like a rock star while we were there.  She even cut her 4th molar while we were there.

Fiona is now 16.5 months old.  She has 12 teeth and only has 4 eye teeth and 4 more molars until she has her full set of baby teeth.  It felt like she teethed forever before all of her first molars showed up, but once she cut that last one, we got a few days of happy Fiona.  Happy Fiona is such a joy, and sleeps 14 hours each night and naps 3 hours each afternoon and never whines.  Haha....honestly, I think she went through a growth spurt right after Christmas because she WAS sleeping 14+ hours/night and napping 3+ hours each afternoon.  It was nice, but kind of strange!

When Fiona was teething for her molars, each time she would be working on a tooth she would get a runny nose.  This past week I thought maybe she was starting to teethe for her eye teeth, but after a couple of days I realized that, no, she has a cold.  She has a really runny nose, sneezing, watery eyes and has not been going to bed very well at night.  It is unusual for her to cry when I put her to bed but the last few night she has.  Hopefully, it will clear up soon!

Fiona's grandpa built her a toy box for Christmas!  We weren't able to bring it home as our van was already packed to the brim with gifts and food to bring home, but next time grandma and grandpa come to visit they will bring it up for her.  It will be nice to have a place to store her toys!

As always, it was such a joy to watch Fiona interacting with her grandparents. They adore her and she had so much fun at their house. Grandma kept us well fed and we sure enjoyed the lovely turkey dinner she cooked on Christmas day! Because Fiona was teething while we were there her appetite was a bit iffy, but she loved grandma's cabbage rolls!

Fiona is definitely transitioning into toddlerhood.  Even though she will always be my baby, she is growing and changing and turning into a little person more and more.  She has quite the little personality.  She loves to dance.  I am not sure where that comes from....maybe her grandma Clara? Or her cousin Will? Haha...certainly not her parents!  She can certainly throw a good tantrum when she doesn't want to do something....usually when she has a tantrum it means she is tired or hungry. And they don't typically last very long.

She got a play kitchen and some play food for Christmas....and so far she mostly just likes to throw things on the floor and suck on the food....but I am sure it will be well loved by the time she outgrows it in a few years.

I am not sure if I could list all of the words that Fiona can now say.  But she is trying to say words more and more.  She knows the word 'more', and calls her self 'Na-no' when we ask if she can say Fiona.  She is usually generous with 'hi-you' and 'buh-bye' once she gets comfortable with someone.  She has started calling Kiwi 'Key'.  When she sees pants or pajamas she says 'pa' over and over again until I say 'yes, Fiona it's pants/pajamas' She likes to give da-da a 'pu' (push) around the house. When she gets her hands on something new, or something she shouldn't have, or gets really excited about something you get a very big 'oo-ooo-oooo' from her, which Jay and I find absolutely adorable!

More than the words she can say, or tries to say, she understands so much. Usually in the evening, after bath time, and after a bit of play time (usually a pre-bedtime dance party) she will say 'na-na' which means night-night and will reach for my hand and hold my hand and lead me to the top of the stairs to head downstairs for bed time.  She doesn't always initiate it, but if I say, "Fiona, should we go downstairs?" she will usually grab my hand and head for the stairs.  She can now go downstairs.  I don't think I would trust her on the stairs on her own yet, but she has climbed down without any help from me.

She still enjoys her bath time.  I have been surprised recently when she likes to lay back with her head/ears in the water and just 'float' in the tub.  She is not so much about the splashing anymore.  We are registered for swimming lessons that start tomorrow, and though I am looking forward to them, unless her cold resolves by then, I think we might have to skip this week's lesson.

15 months

My baby is 15 months old today!

She is growing and changing almost daily.  She is walking like a pro and learning new words all the time.  I have not spent much time with babies/toddlers in my life, so it is amazing to me how much she understands.  Even though she doesn't have a lot of words, she knows what I am saying most of the time.

I believe she still has 8 teeth.  She is definitely working on cutting molars and possibly eye teeth, but whenever I try to get my finger in there to feel what is going on she bites me.  Haha.  So until I have visual proof, I am not quite sure what is going on in there. 

I think she is starting to tantrum a bit.  If there is something she doesn't want to do, or if I go to pick her up to say put her in her high chair and she doesn't want to....she arches her back, or goes limp and cries.  Sometimes when she arches her back and goes to the floor she will hit her head....I suppose that is just part of being a toddler. 

She likes going out.  She gets excited when I grab the diaper bag and take it to the front door.  Whether it is to grandma and grandpa's house, or to the mall, or wherever, she likes getting out of the house.  We have been quite amazed at how well she does when we go out for a meal somewhere.  On Monday, Karen, Arleen, Fiona, Felix and I went for brunch.  I would guess whe were there for about 90 minutes and both Fiona and Felix hardly made a peep.  They were just happy to eat and watch the people around them. 

In a few weeks my cousin is getting married, and Fiona will get to go to her first wedding.  I hope she is happy and not too disruptive during the ceremony.  It is kind of a low key wedding, with coffee/dessert time afterward and no formal reception.  I am just looking forward to dressing her up in a fancy Christmas dress for the occasion.  

Change of Plans

I took my second dose of misprostol yesterday and had even less cramping than I did with the first dose and still no bleeding.  I called the clinic first thing this morning to ask about the possibility of a D&C and they called back fairly quickly.  The doctor wanted me to come in for another ultrasound and a consult.

She did another ultrasound and was unable to find anything other than a bit of fluid in my pelvis.  Nothing was visible in my uterus.  However, my HCG level was still high enough to indicate that there was something pregnancy related going on inside me somewhere.  I believe she called it a 'pregnancy of unknown location' aka ectopic pregnancy.

I was pretty surprised to hear this, but I suppose it could make sense.  I tested postive for pregnancy, but before I had my 7 week ultrasound I had the heavy bleeding and cramping.  Then when I went for the ultrasound the next day, there was nothing visible in the uterus.  So we assumed that it had been a uterine pregnancy and that it had been miscarried.

Then when the hormones rose last week, it indicated that something was left over.  When I had the ultrasound last week Dr. Case said it looked like there might be something leftover in the uterus, but she didn't sound really confident.  That is when she suggested the misoprostol. 

I went for MORE bloodwork today.  I think I have been for bloodwork at least 4 times in the last week and a half.  She said if the hormone is starting to drop on its own, we will track it with bloodwork and let it happen naturally.  However, the more likely scenario is that tomorrow the clinic will call and tell me to go to City Hospital to get a shot of Methotrexate which will kill any pregnancy related cells that are left, which will allow the hormones to drop and my body to return to normal.  After I get that shot I will have to go for bloodwork every 3-4 days to make sure the hormones are dropping as they should.  

I knew that it was possible to have an ectopic pregnancy with IVF and frozen embryo transfers....but I always thought it was so strange, that the embryos are deposited right into the uterus, where they need to implant, and sometimes they drift up the tube and settle in there.  I also feel a bit sad, because before I had just assumed that my miscarriage was caused by a chromasomal abnormality in the embryo that would have made it non-viable.  However, now I wonder if it could have been viable, had it implanted in the right place.  I know there is no point in playing the what-if game....but I can't help it.

More Waiting...

After a miscarriage it is typical for doctors to request blood work be done once a week until the HCG hormone levels drop back to zero.  I never really gave it much thought why they do this, until last week, when I got a call that my second weekly test, that instead of dropping, my HCG level had increased.  That means that my miscarriage was incomplete and that there is still some tissue hanging out inside of me that needs to come out.  If it doesn't it can cause infection and other complications.

After I had that blood test, my doctor called me in for an ultrasound, and confirmed the fact that there was retained tissue.  They then asked me to go for bloodwork to see if the hormones had started dropping again, indicating that my body might pass it on its own, but the hormones were still rising.  So I have been prescribed Cytotec/misoprostal.  It is a drug that is used for a variety of purposes, but seems to be fairly effective for forcing out tissue after a miscarriage.

I spent a few days feeling very anxious/scared about the prospect of taking this drug.  After reading numerous stories online about how awful it was....I was prepared for the worst.  Yesterday, after our company left, I dropped Fiona off at mom and dad's and I took it.  I waited and waited and waited, and other than some light cramping, nothing happened.  I am really quite disappointed.  Not that I wanted to be sick....but the tissue still needs to come out, and the first round of meds did not work.  I am waiting on a phone call from my clinic to take a 2nd dose today and hopefully it will do the trick.  If not, I suppose they would schedule a d&c.

I am really, really, really ready to be done with all this.   

Still Processing

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that our family is complete. After almost 5 years of waiting for treatments, and going through treatments, and waiting to see if I would get pregnant from said treatments, we are done. There is definitely a sense of relief coming through. I still feel sadness about the what ifs, and wondering what our other child might have looked like/acted like/etc. I do realize, that most miscarriages that happen early on, often happen because of chromasomal issues, so, it is all kind of a moot point.

The first cycle of IVF we did, I was so excited. Everything, seemingly went well. I was so sure during the two week wait that I was pregnant. Then I was blindsided and devistated to find out I was not. After that cycle, I went into all the other ones with a good amount of caution, and even some pessimism. 

Before we did the embryo transfer in September I had mentally prepared myself more for a negative outcome, than a positive one. I did not think that I would possibly get pregnant and miscarry, I just did not expect to get pregnant at all. In my mind I made a list of the positive sides of only having one child. I knew the postivies of having another baby....but I wanted to prepare myself for the possibility that Fiona would be our only child.  I am starting to look ahead and trying to appreciate the list of positives I made.

After I miscarried I had all these thoughts about things I wanted to do.  Things that I felt like I had been putting on hold because I might get pregnant.  Get back into an exercise routine, cut my hair, buy some clothes (maybe once I lose some weight...), sell Fiona's baby stuff that she has outgrown....and I think I will pursue some of these things, but last week it felt like I needed to do all of it RIGHT NOW.  I think it was maybe just a way to distract from my sad feelings.  I think I will do all of those things....but I know there is no rush.  

 I have been savoring my time with Fiona. She is at a really fun age. She started walking a week or so ago! It is amazing how quickly she picked it up once she started. She is still pretty wobbly and falls down a lot, but I would say she walks the majority of the time now. She is becoming more expressive and loves to giggle. The other morning when I was getting her dressed in the morning, I had her laid across my lap.  She reached up and touched my armpit and said 'tookatooka' which is her way of saying 'tickle tickle' and giggled.  It was so sweet!

What a difference a year makes!  Top photo is her at 1 month, bottom is her at 13 months!

Goodbye little one

When I got pregnant with Fiona, it was such an amazing surprise.  After going through extensive fertility treatments, I felt so thankful to have gotten pregnant, and stayed pregnant, and have a healthy little girl.  I am still so thankful for her!

We knew after we had her, that we would not be going through any more cycles of IVF.  We were spent, both physically and emotionally from the ups and downs of what it entails.  We did however, have one little frozen embryo left.  We knew that we wouldn't wait too long to transfer it, as we were longing to either have another baby fairly close in age with Fiona, or just move on from this chapter of our lives.

Earlier this month we transferred our beautiful little embryo.  I was a lot more calm this time around after having Fiona.  I knew not to read too much into the 'symptoms' I was feeling because most of them could be explained away by the progesterone supplementation the doctor uses for these types of procedures.  However, about 2 days before my blood test, I was hit with the same crazy fatigue that I was hit with when I got pregnant with Fiona.  I was pretty sure our little embryo had stuck!  Sure enough, two days later my blood test came back positive, and 3 days after that the 2nd blood test indicated that the hormone levels were rising appropriately.

Since then I have felt pretty good.  I have been really tired and occasionally nauseous, but that was pretty average for being 5 or 6 weeks pregnant.  Yesterday I had a bit of spotting.  I was not too concerned, as it was pretty light, and I had had a couple of bouts of spotting when I was pregnant with Fiona.  Then this morning when we were out grocery shopping, I started to feel crampy.  When we got home I found that I was bleeding, but nothing too heavy.  I decided to phone the doctor on call for our fertility clinic.  She said unless it gets really heavy, sit tight until tomorrow and call the clinic in the morning and they will get me in for an ultrasound.

Since then the bleeding has gotten a lot heavier and the cramps have gotten quite a bit worse.  It still isn't much worse than a bad period.....but I would be really surprised if that little one is still in there.  Sigh.  After all this....all the thoughts that you have when you find out you are pregnant (what we will name him/her, is it a boy or a girl, I will have to give up my massage practice because my office is the only spare room we have left, I will need to get a double stroller, how will I manage to sleep with a toddler and a newborn, how will I look after Fiona and a newborn while recovering from a csection, how will Fiona interact with a baby, etc etc etc), I am pretty sure that Fiona will be our only child.

I feel sad for her that she won't have siblings....and her cousins are 8 and 10 years older than her....but I hope that she will have good friends who will be like sisters/brothers to her, and maybe she will marry into a family with siblings.  I know there are no guarantees about siblings being close.....but I am sure parents hope that they will be.  I know being an only child has its advantages (as Jason can attest to), but I think there are disadvantages too.

Update: This morning I went to the clinic for an ultrasound and our baby is gone.  I know we will be okay, but it will definitely take some time.  You really do get attatched to these little ones, or the idea of them.....and then they are gone.  I am SO SO SO thankful we have Fiona, and will be giving her extra hugs and kisses in the next while because I can't imagine how much harder this would be if we didn't have her.

My busy girl!

 

Fiona has taken a few independent steps in the last few days, and today she took about 6 or 7 steps.  Of course when I got the camera out she went back to the 2 or 3 steps, but I was glad to capture some on camera anyway.  Exciting!

 

One of Fiona's favorite things is being read to.  Every day she will bring me the same 8 or 10 books one at a time from across the room.  She repeats this a few times each day.  Might be time to dig out some of the books that Jay's mom saved from when he was a kid.  She still has a pretty short attention span, but it is definitely improving.