I have been having a lot of feelings swirling around in my brain for the last few months, or maybe longer. I just feel a discontent or restlessness in my life. I am not sure what it stems from. I haven't pin pointed it. In the last months I have looked and thought about different areas of my life. For a while I thought that the restlessness/discontent was maybe that I was ready to start a family. I tossed that around for a while and after having some discussions about it, and spending some time with babies and toddlers decided that maybe I am not ready for that yet. I have thought about getting another dog. I don't think that would add contentment, but these are my thought processes. Sometimes I wonder if all this isn't just hormonal cycles, but I do find myself coming back to thoughts about my career path.
I enjoy doing massage most days, I really do. I have some great regular clients that I genuinely care about, but some days when I have more than one no show, or last minute cancellations I seriously consider quitting the massage business. I know that every profession has it's ups and downs and frustrations. I am just seriously starting to wonder if my body is going to allow me to do massage for the rest of my working career. If I am going to retrain in some other field I would rather do it while I am still young. I really don't want to have to give massage up in a few years because I have carpal tunnel syndrome or tendinitis so bad that I can't carry on. I know that's pessimistic, but I do find my body does not handle long days as well as I did when I was newer to this field.
I remember when I was in school that they said most therapists don't last beyond five years. June will be five years for me. I have never worked full time in massage. Yes it has been my only job for the last four and a half years, but I am not often as busy as I would like to be or should be. After going for supper on Friday with old classmates, I realized that a lot of the people I went to school with are only doing massage part time and doing another job part time. A couple of my old classmates are back at our school teaching.
I have been weighing the pros and cons of massage therapy and self employment versus having a regular job. A regular job with a regular pay cheque and health benefits and paid holiday time. A regular job where I get a T4 and income tax time is less stressful and there is the potential to have maternity leave benefits, or EI if needed. But with my job now there is a lot of flexibility with time off, shorter than eight hour days, seeing my husband more than most working people do. Then there is the fact that for most training I might be interested in taking it would mean at least another 2-4 years of school. The thought of that doesn't turn me off as much as it did a few months or even a year ago. Maybe just the realization that I won't be able to do massage forever.
I have been starting to pray about all this. I feel like an ungrateful child though. Coming back to God when I want something, when I feel uncertain and discontent. When things are going good I don't seek God really. So that is something else that I wonder if the discontent is coming from. Feeling distant from God. Not spending quality time with Him in the last while. *sigh*