Insecurities

I don't want this blog to turn into a big mush fest about Jay. Even though as you can probably tell, I like to talk about him, and pretty much he is what is new in my life. He is bringing me a lot of joy right now, so I write about him. But today I will write about something different.

I have always struggled with self esteem and self confidence issues. I attribute it mainly to elementary school where I was picked on a LOT. I never stood up for myself, just sat back and 'ignored' it, but every horrible name and animal noise as I walked by stuck with me. It penetrated my heart and soul and I started to believe those people. Even though they didn't straight out say that I was a loser or worthless, that is how the teasing made me feel. I never retaliated, or even cried about it (not that I can remember anyway), I just kind of retreated into myself. I became shy, painfully shy. I was always open with my friends, liked to joke around and have fun, but around school, and strangers I was silent. I remember a time when I was 'unable' (or maybe just chose to be unable) to order my own food in a restaurant, because heaven forbid I should have to talk to someone.

This did start to change as I grew up. By the time the latter years of high school rolled around I was not quite so painfully shy. But I didn't REALLY feel a difference in myself until I started massage school. There is no choice but to talk to people, and get undressed in front of people in my class. It was a little unnerving at first, but it is completely professional. I have become a lot more comfortable with my outward appearance and body since I started school. As I learn more about the human body, it enthralls me. Anyway, I do have a point to all this rambling.

Even though my self esteem and self confidence have had a boost in the last few years, I still have these stupid insecurities. I have fears that the good things in my life will be taken away from me. We have been told just about since day one of school, that as massage therapists, if we do not look after ourselves and keep our bodies in relatively good shape that our career will not last very long. Apparently the average career span of a massage therapist is about five years. That scares me a little bit, I am not in the best shape, but I have been able to handle what I have been doing so far. But the most I have had to do is 3 massages in a row. When I am out in the real world, I will be doing approximately 6 hours of massage per day. I just try to keep positive and do what I can to look after myself.

I said at the beginning of this post that I wasn't going to talk about Jay ;) But here I go...haha. I am loving what him and I have. I know it has only been a month since our first conversation, but I have grown VERY fond of him. I have these fears that something will come up that will not allow us to be together, or that he will meet someone better than me. See, here comes the crappy self esteem :P He tells me all the time how great I am, and I know that when people tell you otherwise for so long in your life that it's harder to believe the good stuff. The bad stuff is always easier to believe, why, I am not sure. In my heart, I know that he genuinely cares for me....then my mind thinks, do you deserve someone as great as him?? Ooh, here comes the tears :P

I am trying to give this up to God. I have been praying daily since I started school, and since I met Jay that everything would work out. I felt God's leading for me to go to massage school, and I am sure that if that is where I am supposed to be, that everything will work out. Same with Jay, I felt God's leading in our friendship, to be more than just friends. And I know deep down inside that these insecurities of mine are not truths, they are just my low self esteem doubting my worthiness of things that are good.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11