What a weekend :)

I had a wonderful weekend. The first Angie and Jay day was a big hit. It was really cool to spend an Saturday afternoon and evening with Jay, just get to know him better.

This weekend I came to a realization. It is something that I have known for a while now, but I today I finally admitted. I am in love with Jay. I know that love will change and grow and mature, but it has to start somewhere, and this is it. It felt so right today, when I told him and he told me. It feels soooooooooo good, mmmm :)

Heredity vs Choice

Do you believe that sinning is a choice that man makes? I realize that when we are tempted, that most times it is our choice to give in and sin. But because we have a sinful nature, that is born into us, does that mean that we have no option but to sin?

We had a visit today from a lesbian woman at school today. She works for Gay and Lesbian Health Services, and came to talk to us, to try and dispel some myths, and help us to understand that 'queers' (that is what she likes to call them) are very much people who deserve respect too.

I realize that, but I do know that they are choosing to live a life of sin. However, we all live sinful lives. I don't think a day passes where we don't all sin. And to God sin is sin is sin, doesn't matter how 'bad' society sees it as. Also when she was talking to us today, the question of choice vs heredity came up. She said, 'In all honesty, can you imagine CHOOSING a life so filled with persecution and hatred?" And I am not condoning her lifestyle, but I tend to agree with that. Why would someone choose that for themselves? And at the same time, God has said that it is an abomination, so would he create someone who was genetically programmed to be that way? I realize these are tough questions that no one really has any answers to. However, I would like to hear what you have to say about it.

Clinic Night

I am not sure why, but I have NOT been enjoying clinic nights for the last ooooh, month or so. I think the last note worthy one was the very first of the term, in the middle of January. Anyway, tonite was a great clinic night, and I feel all good inside. Makes me feel better about my choice of schooling and profession. Not that I doubt whether I should be here because I know I am in the right place....I just began to wonder if my body was starting to prematurely wear out.

However, I feel great tonite! I just wanted to share a quick story. My first client, this cute little old lady, was about 20 minutes late for her appointment because she missed her bus. Then I took her into the treatment space, did the interview assessment and whatnot. By that time there was only about 20 minutes left in the treatment time. So I treated her problem areas as best I could with the time I had, and she was very thankful at the end. As I was walking her back to the reception area, she was walking ahead of me, and leaned over to one of my classmates and whispered loud enough for me to hear "Don't tell her I told you, but she is really good!" hehe, just made me feel really good :) Made my night for me!

???

If you knew something in your heart so strongly, but yet your mind was questioning it, which should you listen to? I know, I know, pray about it, well I have been, and as far as I can tell God is saying yes, proceed, but I have a pretty logical mind, and it is making me question what I think God is telling me. Hmmm....guess I'll pray for God to stop my mind from doubting.

Romance

I know that everyone's notions of romance are different. Some people like it dripping with cheese, while others like it more thoughtful and personalized.

At lunch, I was out at Badass Jacks with Tony and Lyn, and telling them about next Saturday (aka Angie and Jay day). I am excited that I get to spend some time on a Saturday afternoon just hanging out with my sweetie, and then we are going to cook supper together. Lyn just kinda giggled and said "hehe, I remember when stuff like that was romantic, now it's more like 'are you gonna cook supper?', 'no, you cook supper'"

Now I realize that marriage isn't as romance-filled as dating, it's more realistic. But how can a person keep romance an integral part of that relationship. I realize I am not married, but it was just a thot I had. That is my goal. When I get married someday, I am going to be all romantic and everyone around me is going to want to vomit because of all the romance that exudes from me and my husband. Ha! :P

A New Day Has Come...

Not like the Celine Dion song....yeah, if you even know that song....

As I waited for the bus this morning, listening to Third Day's worship album, I was awed by the beautiful sunrise. It was all pink and purple and blue. I have always had an amazement with the sky, with stars, sunrises, sunsets, northern lights etc. They just speak to me of God's amazing presence in this world. Most people would just look at the sunrise, and might appreciate it's beauty, but I am awed by the fact that God blessed me with something so beautiful. As I was sitting on the bus, listening to amazing words of praise and continuing to enjoy the sunrise, I was overwhelmed with emotion (yes, I got a little misty eyed riding the #2 bus down 20th St., imagine that, Angie, getting emotional!!!!).

I was reading the Bible last night, more specifically the story of the last supper and Jesus' arrest. I don't even know how to put in words how I was feeling this morning on the bus. I was feeling unworthy, but at the same time blessed to have been given a chance at eternal life through Jesus' death and resurrection. What an amazing gift!!

I am looking forward to seeing the movie The Passion that is coming out in theatres February 25th (exactly a week from today). I believe it has a very powerful message to share with this sinful world, and I hope and pray that it does justice to the Biblical accounts.

Today in the life of Angie

Nothing really profound to write about today. Just gonna talk about my day. I got up showered, dressed, ate and ran out the door to catch the bus. Got to school and everyone was cramming for the massage midterm that we had this morning, but not me. For some reason, I figured I already knew it all, so I barely cracked my books this weekend (what a great weekend it was :) ) and wasn't going to be dragged into some last minute cramming. So I just sat and day-dreamed until the teacher came and we had to write the exam. So I wrote it, and I was pretty much right, there wasn't too much on there that I didn't know. I was able to recall pretty well from the week before when I had studied for the practical portion of this midterm (which I got 88% on by the way :D).

So I am always the first or second person to be done writing exams, I am not one to dilly daddle around, I either know it or I don't. And if I don't know it, I either make an educated guess, or just a complete shot in the dark. And every once in a while I will just throw something out there to make the instructor laugh. Like one time, in my 2nd term, there was this diagram of the brain on the exam, and for the life of me I couldn't rememeber what that part was called, so I labelled it as a type of cell that is found in the testicles (my friend said that it was a cancerous tumor cause she couldn't remember either). And my instructor at the time, she was a little 'out there' if you know what I mean, and she gave us a lecture about how she was quite frightened because she NEVER taught us anything about brain tumors. Yeah, guess those jokes were lost on her :P

Then this afternoon in class we talked about spinal cord injury. Now, I feel that I am a bit of an expert on the subject now (hehe), and found what the instructor was saying was kind of boring and too generalized. So I threw a few comments out there that most people found interesting. And this one girl asked a question that our instructor could not answer to her satisfaction, so I explained it differently, using a story that Jay had told me, and she totally got it :) My instructor was like, wow, never thought of it like that before! It was cool to feel smart for once ;)

Then I came home, and started working on my nutrition assignment, which I have been putting off for a few weeks now. I got a good page typed, and only 3 more to go. But I should get lots of work done this week, not because I will be thinking of Jay any less, but our 2hr phone calls will have to be curbed while his mom is in town ;) It's all good though!

Then I had supper, did a little more homework, then realized that I had forgotten to do an assignment that is due tomorrow. I was supposed to call a health care practitioner to ask them a few questions, and being that it is due tomorrow morning, and I didn't think of this until about 7pm, I had to do some quick BS-ing...hehe

Then I had my 2hr dose of Jay...mmmm *sigh* good stuff, and here I sit, still grinning from ear to ear, and thinking about going to bed. Thank you for reading about my day, maybe it was boring, but I just didn't have anything profound to throw out there today. Maybe tomorrow will be more inspirational ;)

Puzzles

Have you ever felt with clear and amazing certainty that you are in the middle of God's will for your life? I have often wondered if I was, and prayed for wisdom in seeking God's will. But I can honestly say that right now I feel like I am exactly where God wants me to be, and it is overwhelming (in a good way)!!

I look at my life over the last 2 or so years, and I can see all the things that have happened, all coming together now and it all makes perfect sense. I have had a lot of change in my life over the last 2 or 3 years (ie. quitting university, and re-seeking my direction in life). I chose massage school, with God's leading, and I am beginning to see why I was lead in that direction.

What an amazing God we have!!! He brings all the little details together, to make a big puzzle. Yay for analogies...life is like a puzzle. All the little pieces may not make sense on their own, but God is great at puzzles and he makes the most beautiful pictures out of them.

Wow, what an amazing revelation this has been :)

What is love?

With Valentine's Day again drawing near, love is on the minds of many people, myself included. I wonder about love. I have been told over and over again, and I do believe this....that love is a choice, not a feeling. It is a choice to forgive someone and to be there for them. A choice to look past 'imperfections' and a promise to work through any problems that come along. Basically it comes down to 1 Cor 13:4-8....

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

How can that, God's description of what love is, be the fluffy emotion that media portrays it to be??? It is definitely a choice to be made, and not to be made lightly.

That brings to mind another question....if love is a choice, does that mean that you could make it work with anyone? If you are committed enough and willing to work hard enough to make it work, does it matter who you love/marry (barring other circumstances ie. if the man is abusive, it's probably not going to work :P)??? And as I think of that, I come to the conclusion that yes it does matter, because as a Christian, God has a plan for us. And God does want us to be happy, and he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but it has to be in line with His will.

Wow, this is just turning into a whole bunch of rambling. Anyway, what do you think??

WARNING: this entry contains a lot of mush ;)

I just had the greatest night. I realize I say that every time I see Jay, and sometimes just when I talk to him, but wow, what a sweetheart he is. God has blessed me so richly by giving me this man, that I am feeling overwhelmed with all of it.

He came over and had supper with my family, and it was so nice. So natural. He laughed at my dad's jokes, and petted Winston, and got to see my house. It just felt like the whole scene just fit. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's super cool. He likes my family, and I look forward to meeting his family sometime in the not-too-distant future. :D

A question for you...

I read Robyn's latest blog entry and it brought to mind something that I thought of a while back when I was working at the parkade full time (summer 2002). It was a question I wrote about in a journal I was keeping at the time:

Would you rather be wanted or needed?

Thief

I finally got to some studying today, and it is time for study break #1. My mind is starting to wander from the wonders of ankylosing spondylitis anyway, so why not take a 'blog break'.

I am listening to Third Day's live worship album entitled Offerings as I study. I was listening to song 8, and I have heard it before, and I have liked it since I heard it the first time, but it stood out in my mind particularily today, so i thought I would post the lyrics so you can have a read through and maybe it will touch your heart as well.

Thief

I am a thief, I am a murderer
Walking up this lonely hill
What have I done? No, I don't remember
No one knows just how I feel
And I know my time is coming soon.

It's been so long, oh, such a long time
Since I've lived with peace and rest
Now I am here, my destination
I guess things work for the best
And I know that my time is coming soon

Who is this man? This man beside me
They call the King of the Jews
They don't believe that he's the Messiah
But somehow I know it's true.

They laugh at Him in mockery
And they beat Him until He bleeds
And they nail Him to the rugged cross
They raise Him, they raise Him up next to me.

My time has come and I'm slowly fading
I deserve what I receive
Jesus, when You are in Your kingdom
Could you please, please remember me?

And He looks at me still holding on
The tears fall from His eyes
And he says "I tell the truth
Today you will be with me in Paradise"
And I know that my time, yes, my time is coming soon
And I know that my time, yes, my time is coming soon
And I know Paradise, Paradise is coming soon.

WOW! :)

Baby Dedication

Today as I sat in church during the baby dedication, I couldn't help but realize what a miracle life is. I am sure everyone realizes this, but it is something when you REALLY take that to heart. We are only here because God put us here and yet most people don't take the time to notice the perfect plan that God has put in motion all around us. We are so small and undeserving, but yet God knows our hearts and cares for us deeply. I am reminded of Psalm 139:13-16 as I sit here writing:

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

As I have studied the complexities of the human body for the last year and a half, I am appalled at how people can believe in evolution. I have had it jammed down my throat at school, but yet after hearing what they have to say, I am still enthralled with creation. I have a hard time believing that everything came into existence from one cell that magically appeared in some primordial ooze. How can that be more believable than a loving caring Father who created us in His image??

Motivation

As I near the end of my 2 year massage program at school, I am growing very short on motivation. I like what I am learning, I like massaging people, making them feel better, but I am getting sick of being in school. This is rather disappointing being as I am SOOOOO close to being there, but yet it seems so far away. Everyone in my class is feeling the same way, even the overachievers in the class. They just don't want to study and don't want to go to school.

I am starting to feel the stress of my board exams (in June or July) and I should be spending some time preparing for those as well. But I don't...sigh.

I just have this vision of my life after I am done school. Just working, living, going out, spending time with friends without feeling guilty that I am not at home doing homework. I know that I had a silly job and whatnot, but that year that I took off from school just to work and make money and do whatever I wanted was pretty great. I am glad I found a passion to pursue, but I am just running out of 'school steam'.

Any suggestions on how to regain my 'get go'?? haha, I am sure my class as well as myself would appreciate advice on how to finish out the school year on the right track ;)

Microwave Etiquette

At school today, we got out of class a little bit late at lunch, so I rushed with my lunch downstairs into the dungeon. We go down there because it is usually less busy than the lunch room upstairs, even though there is only one microwave in the dungeon (compared to 3 upstairs). Well because I got out late, there were already 3 people in front of me in line to use the microwave, so I just put my food down in line and went an sat until I saw the person before me put their food in. I walked over to casually check the amount of time I had to wait until I could at last heat up my leftovers. Well she had put her food in for FIVE minutes. Now, her food wasn't frozen, and it wasn't one of those premade lunches (aka Michalina's), just some rice and chicken with sauce or something that looked like that. So I went and sat down and commented (probably a little too loudly) "Who's food needs to be heated for 5 minutes?!?"

I was hungry, and we ONLY get 40 minutes for lunch, and by this time there was only 30 of those minutes left. So I went and sat 'patiently' until I saw her get up to go check on it, and I was excited because I had a leftover hamburger that I was REALLY looking forward to eating, and not to be redundant, I was hungry.

Well I think she had heard my previous comment about the FIVE minutes, and saw the excited/drooling expression on my face as I jumped up, and she proceeded to put it back on for THREE more minutes!! Is there not microwave etiquette?? And there were 3 more people in line after me still anxiously waiting to eat their delicious reheated leftovers. So I freaked out a little....I walked back to my table and said to my friends, loud enough for everyone to hear, "WHO NEEDS TO HEAT THEIR FREAKIN' FOOD FOR EIGHT MINUTES!!??"

So Trina and I sat there (her food was in line after mine), and we griped for the next 3 minutes. We came to the conclusion that she probably liked to burn her food before she ate it. Like really, who needs 8 minutes to heat food, on high in a microwave?? My hamburger was SO hot after ONE and a HALF minutes that I couldnt even touch it to put it on the bun....had to borrow Larissa's fork! *sigh* Some people really need to learn microwave etiquette!!! :þ

Insecurities

I don't want this blog to turn into a big mush fest about Jay. Even though as you can probably tell, I like to talk about him, and pretty much he is what is new in my life. He is bringing me a lot of joy right now, so I write about him. But today I will write about something different.

I have always struggled with self esteem and self confidence issues. I attribute it mainly to elementary school where I was picked on a LOT. I never stood up for myself, just sat back and 'ignored' it, but every horrible name and animal noise as I walked by stuck with me. It penetrated my heart and soul and I started to believe those people. Even though they didn't straight out say that I was a loser or worthless, that is how the teasing made me feel. I never retaliated, or even cried about it (not that I can remember anyway), I just kind of retreated into myself. I became shy, painfully shy. I was always open with my friends, liked to joke around and have fun, but around school, and strangers I was silent. I remember a time when I was 'unable' (or maybe just chose to be unable) to order my own food in a restaurant, because heaven forbid I should have to talk to someone.

This did start to change as I grew up. By the time the latter years of high school rolled around I was not quite so painfully shy. But I didn't REALLY feel a difference in myself until I started massage school. There is no choice but to talk to people, and get undressed in front of people in my class. It was a little unnerving at first, but it is completely professional. I have become a lot more comfortable with my outward appearance and body since I started school. As I learn more about the human body, it enthralls me. Anyway, I do have a point to all this rambling.

Even though my self esteem and self confidence have had a boost in the last few years, I still have these stupid insecurities. I have fears that the good things in my life will be taken away from me. We have been told just about since day one of school, that as massage therapists, if we do not look after ourselves and keep our bodies in relatively good shape that our career will not last very long. Apparently the average career span of a massage therapist is about five years. That scares me a little bit, I am not in the best shape, but I have been able to handle what I have been doing so far. But the most I have had to do is 3 massages in a row. When I am out in the real world, I will be doing approximately 6 hours of massage per day. I just try to keep positive and do what I can to look after myself.

I said at the beginning of this post that I wasn't going to talk about Jay ;) But here I go...haha. I am loving what him and I have. I know it has only been a month since our first conversation, but I have grown VERY fond of him. I have these fears that something will come up that will not allow us to be together, or that he will meet someone better than me. See, here comes the crappy self esteem :P He tells me all the time how great I am, and I know that when people tell you otherwise for so long in your life that it's harder to believe the good stuff. The bad stuff is always easier to believe, why, I am not sure. In my heart, I know that he genuinely cares for me....then my mind thinks, do you deserve someone as great as him?? Ooh, here comes the tears :P

I am trying to give this up to God. I have been praying daily since I started school, and since I met Jay that everything would work out. I felt God's leading for me to go to massage school, and I am sure that if that is where I am supposed to be, that everything will work out. Same with Jay, I felt God's leading in our friendship, to be more than just friends. And I know deep down inside that these insecurities of mine are not truths, they are just my low self esteem doubting my worthiness of things that are good.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Heart to Heart

I just had the most amazing talk with my boyfriend. I have never felt this open and honest in a relationship before. We are trying our very best to get started on the right foot here, not to rush anything and it is amazing. I am so thankful for Jay and the man he is! :)

Just a question for anyone who may be reading this...I already ran it past Lyn and she gave me a good answer. Just looking for more opinions on it....

Is kissing, in a dating relationship, glorifying to God?

Just a question that came up when Jay and I were talking, and something that I wondered about.

My New Boyfriend :D

I had a REALLY great night last night! Jay asked me to be his girlfriend and we watched Finding Nemo. It is the best night I can remember for a good looooong while. Very romantic and cute and fun. :)